Author Topic: Edit Commit Comments  (Read 13924 times)

Ixrec

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Edit Commit Comments
« on: July 03, 2009, 02:50:34 pm »
Borrow.
vs
I borrow it.

The former, in both languages, is supposed to be humorously short (and I've heard this usage in colloquial English a lot).  Since the change does nothing but dilute that, reverted.

Kiri: "Nothing will connect anymore......how can you say anyone's alive?"
vs
Kiri: "Nothing will connect anymore......how can you say that anyone's alive out there?"

I do agree this edit improves the sentence, however it also implies what Kiri is saying matches or nearly matches the extremely important line "Is anyone alive out there?" from Kurosu's broadcasts.  I double checked the unedited cg with that line from the end of week one and original Japanese for Kiri's line here, thereby confirming that what she is saying does not match, so I'm reverting this change (I'll keep the "that" but take out the "out there").

I cracked the knuckles on all ten of my fingers.
vs
I cracked the knuckles on all ten of my digits.

"Digits" includes toes.  Reverted.

Sakuraba: "I've grown bored of curry bread."
//OH MY GOD! - Sheeta

Everyone has that reaction.

I unconsciously changed the pronoun when I asked.
//Considering English only has one 2nd person pronoun, "you," I think we'll just have to delete this line entirely. I've left it for the moment on the off chance someone has a better idea. ~IX
//Maybe say 'I changed Ore to Boku' or whatever it is, then add a TL note? - Sheeta

It was "omae" to "kisama," and on second look it does seem like a tl note would be really easy to write for that.  *does it*

Sakuraba: "Fifty thousand."
vs
Sakuraba: "Only fifty thousand."

No need to add a word that wasn't there to begin with.  Reverted.

He'd helped himself to the tomatoes./I ate a left over tomato. It was just right for a late-night snack.

The tomatoes were mentioned already, so the second line should be using a pronoun for them.  Reverted.

Believe. It's a beautiful word.
vs
Believe. That it's a beautiful word.

Changed the meaning.  Reverted.

With this crying list as the problem, I'll believe that resolving it will produce a structure capable of dispatch.
//Huh? This sentence has me completely baffled - Sheeta

Yeah, normally I'd try harder not to write something like that.  *retries*  Since I messed with other sentences too, just look at the changeset.

Also, I think I've been flip-flopping between != and =! in my tl note code, so someone please change them all to != like they should be.
« Last Edit: July 03, 2009, 02:53:15 pm by Ixrec »
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Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #1 on: July 05, 2009, 01:38:19 am »
Taichi: "Is there any pain left?"
vs
Taichi: "Are you still in any pain?"

Rephrased to "Do they still hurt?"

She meowed.
//TLN for nya = meow?
//They should be able to hear it on the voice track, so I think it's OK. - Sheeta

Good point, I'll try to remember to ask the QC guys afterward.

What kind of grammar does it have?
//Don't quite get this sentence. Does he mean the grammar in the previous sentence? - Sheeta

Referring to the cat language.

*Color my forehead with = Taichian for 'learn from.' Taichi made this mistake when he thought that 『Knowledge colors the self like a picture frame.』
IF tlnote != 0 (TL note: One of the kanji for "picture frame" also means "forehead")
//This might just be the single most untranslatable line I have ever seen. ~IX
//Tried to make it make sense by turning 'put in my forehead' into 'color my forehead with' O.o - Sheeta

Holy **** that was brilliant. I'd explain how neatly this fits into everything I'd wanted to do with this line to make it make sense, but that'd take a whole essay.

Taichi: "Huhuhu, there are no police here, my friend."
vs
Taichi: "Huhuhu, there aren't any police here, my friend."

I feel the latter version dilutes the hilarity without really adding anything.  Reverted.

Sakuraba was a salty guy who'd make you cry if you used him as a standalone anything.
vs
Sakuraba was a salty guy who'd make you cry if you used him as a standalone for anything.

I think you got "standalone" and "standin" mixed up, since this makes no sense.  Reverted.

Did she not see the postcard?
vs
Didn't she see the postcard?

Changes meaning.  The latter implies that she should have seen it.  The former implies something more like "now that I think about it, that makes sense."  Reverted.

All the rooms are arranged and decorated in the same way, but I might bump into them.
//I'm extremely unsure what this line meant, so if it sounds too out of place, feel free to just cut it. ~IX
//I'd be reluctant to cut, since the first part seems to relate to some later lines on repetition - Sheeta

I guessed at the line's meaning based on the following lines.  To be honest, half of what you see there wasn't in the Japanese, and, for the first time ever, I honestly don't know if this matches the literal intent.  It was just that confusing a sentence.  That's why I had the comment under it.

I was embarassed.
vs
I was embarrassed.

Seriously, we need to make up our minds on this.  From now on, it's one "r", period, end of story.  I'm sick of getting a different answer every time I ask which one it is.

Kiri: "We have reconci-?"
//Seems she was about to deny it, and obviously Taichi interrupted her, added '?' to try to carry that line of conversation.

My fault for phrasing it badly.  She does deny it in this very line (or at least tries to) directly, without any rhetorical question time-wasting.  Changed to "haven't" and deleted the ?.

I changed my target.
//uh, dunno if it's "i'll change my target" or "i changed my target"

lol, thanks for pointing it out. *checks the original*  Ah, you guessed right.
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VDZ

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2009, 04:53:15 pm »
Okay, we need to decide how to deal with the issue of multiple onomatopoeia right after another in the same line. There's three ways we can do this:

1. *lick* *lick* *lick* <-- asterisks around every word, spaces between words
2. *kiss**kiss**kiss* <-- asterisks around every word, no spaces
3. *cackle*cackle*cackle* <-- asterisks at the start and end, and between words, no spaces

So, which one will we use? Personally, I'm a fan of #3, probably because I've played too much Umineko (*cackle*cackle*cackle*).

Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2009, 06:06:05 pm »
Taichi: "Don't touch anything that could serve as a blade or other weapon."
vs
Taichi: "Don't touch anything that could be served as a blade or any other weapon."

"can serve" = "can be used as"
Meaning changed, reverted.

She was at a loss for words.
vs
She was lost for words.

This doesn't look right to me, but since I'm not sure I won't touch it right now.

Taichi: "Well, don't let it bwother you swo much."
//He made a cutesy spin on this statement, so I'd like the usual editor suggestions on potential English equivalents. ~IX
//Added some 'w's - Sheeta

Nice try, but I really don't think that'd be convincing.  I'll change it back for now.

She's not something I'd be able to find.
vs
She's not something I'd be able to find easily.

Changed meaning, reverted. (which in the future I'll abbreviate as CMR)

Why'd they fall silent?
// why plural? Miki is alone in the clubroom.

Correct, my fail.  I was probably thinking of 19a where they were both in there.

The temperature seemed to have loosened alongside my memory.
//This line appears on the same screen as the previous line. Is that intentional? -VDZ

It is not, good catch.  Somehow there's a TP missing. *adds it*

Touko: "The floor's hard......it hurts......*sneeze*"
//Are you sure it's a sneeze? It kind of sounded like a sob or something, but that's probably just me. -VDZ

Double checked, and the sound effect in question is not a standardized one in my dictionaries, so I had to guess whether it was a sneeze or a sob, and to me it sounded more like the former.

Misato: "Kya! What happened all of sudden?"
//"all of sudden"...is that correct? Shouldn't it be, like, "all of a sudden" or something? -VDZ

Correct. Fixed.

Touko: "......abtor, damral, omnis, nomnis."
IF $tlnote != 0 (TL note: This is a spell used by the main character in Osamu Tezuka's Mitsume ga Tooru or The Three-Eyed One.)
//And 'The Three-Eyed One' is what, exactly? A story? A manga? A movie? -VDZ

1) since it's not remotely plot relevant, I leave that for people to wiki 2) it appears to be a manga and anime

//All of these except 'nymphomania' are used to describe a person. 'Nymphomania' only describes the concept, it can't be used to call someone a nymphomaniac, you'd have to use 'nymphomaniac' or something for that. So wouldn't it be something like that? -VDZ

Correct, changed.

//Okay, this is the first time this happens (I think), but we need to decide on how to handle multiple onomatopoeia right after another.
//We're currently using both '*lick* *lick*' and '*lick**lick*', but it's probably best to decide on a single one.
//'*lick*lick*' is also a possiblity (as seen with Umineko's '*cackle*cackle*cackle*').
//I'll be tagging this stuff from now on so it's easier to change once we've decided which to use. -VDZ

Actually, that *lick**lick* was a mistake on my part, I've added the spaces now.
But you're right, we do need to decide that. Random editors please speak up.

Tomoki: "......aren't you a bigshot."
vs
Tomoki: "......aren't you a big shot."

I'm pretty sure it's one word. Reverted.

A scream that rent my ear. X 3
vs
A scream that rend my ear. X 3

"to rend" > "rent" is past tense. Reverted.

Kiri: "Is that a spinoff of karate?"
vs
Kiri: "Is that a spin off of karate?"

See a previous comment. Reverted.

『There isn't not dinner.』
//Anyone tells me this is a typo, they die. ~IX
//That doesn't look right. It's obviously a typo that needs to be fixed right away.-VDZ

.....you seriously don't remember me lecturing everyone on why this wasn't a typo?
Oh wait, now your comment looks sarcastic. Meh.
Oh right, that's Spin's changeset, not VDZ's. Duh. I got owned.

Starting the third day of 『usual.』
//Looking at this in game makes it look REALLY off. That "." looks so out of place. When you get back, I think we should have a little debate on this.

Had it already I think.

Youko: "Yes......bra-less."
//I can't exactly tell but did she say "no bra" in engrish?-Spin

Correct. One of the editors (Sheeta I believe) felt "bra-less" was more natural. Feel free to change it if you disagree.

Taichi: "Wow, this red tea is sweet! Almost like sugar, yeah, it's got some kind of rough feel to it. It's as if I've never had this before."
//Was that last line supposed to be ambiguous?-Spin

Probably.

Taichi: "Squad Member Yamanoba Miki!"
//Since she repeats what he calls her I'm gonna assume that this was a typo.-Spin

It was not a typo. Reverted to Yamanba.

Kiri: "It's like an aftereffect of some disease......"
vs
Kiri: "It's like an after effect of some disease......"

Reverted for the usual reason.

Us first-years are advancing a grade, and happy-third years are retiring.
//"First-years" is spelled with a hyphen, while "third years" is spelled without one? Perhaps the happy-third hyphen is misplaced? -VDZ

Correct, I have no idea what the hyphen is doing up there.

Taichi: "If you just yank it off like that, it'll be sold at auction with an attached picture."
//Don't you mean, at AN auction? -VDZ

Nope, I've heard this usage before.

Breast Get!
//HAHAHA, you actually used it. Awsome. 4chan should like this line.-Spin
//To make it more like real Engrish, how about fully capitalizing get, "Breast GET!"? -VDZ

Not sure if I want to go that far. Editors; suggestions.

Isn't this just crying?
//I don't know if it's just me but it sounded like he was refering to the sketches themselves while making this statement.-Spin

He was. Reverted.

She seldomly showed up to club after that.
//It was contradicting itself.-Spin

It wasn't actually contradicting, but I do like your phrasing better, except that "seldom" is already an adverb and therefore needs no "ly".

Taichi: "?"
//? It just looks like a hollow rectangle.-Spin

Japanese question mark I forgot to replace with an English one. Fixed now.

Kiri: "You are...black."
//lol, hope no one thinks that's racist.-Spin

XD if anyone reading this scene seriously takes the word literally, I don't know how they got through the last 2.5 weeks of figurative language.

Taichi: "Uyayuohinomaueyawoyayuyo{ae}yaeyueyayaupeyowawa!?"
//lol, I want to see the original Japanese for this line.-Spin

太一「ふやゆうぉひのまうえゃをゃゅょゑゃえゆぇゃやうぺよわわ!?」

By releasing one of the two ends in her grip, the stone inside, pushed on by centrifugal force was released.
//I know there's no such thing as centrifugal force. Blame Taichi. ~IX
//That's a joke right? Centrifugal force is real...-Spin

Since I can't tell if you're being sarcastic: in order for an object to move in a circle, some force must constantly pull it toward the center of that circular path. That force is called the centripetal force. If the object in question isn't a rigid body (for example, it has a smaller object insde), then that centripetal force will not be applied directly to the entirety of the object, resulting in parts of the object attempting to continue to move in a straight line rather than a circle. This effect is often mistaken for some "centrifugal force" pulling them out of the circle.

The next moment, sharp pain, but the stone was quelled.
//Since his pain isn't going to go down anytime soon.-Spin

Ah, right. That was a mistake on my part due to a double meaning of the Japanese verb that couldn't be carried over to English.

Taichi: "This is who I am. I can't treat people any other way."
//I know that "identity" sounds good but in that context it kinda stood out a little too much.-Spin

Taichi's dialogue always stands out. Reverted.

Kiri: "Nn......nnnnn......nnfuu, *lick*......nn, nn, nn......ha, nnfua."
//It sounds like you just copy and pasted from one of the h-scenes.-Spin

I did not, but yes, these lines are virtually identical to what I encounter in h-scenes.

Inside were fifteen coins, each a ten thousand yen.
//It says later below this that he thought they were ten thousand yen coins.-Spin

I remember mixing up the numbers a lot when I tled this. I'm just going to double check every single yen number in the whole script.
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Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #4 on: July 13, 2009, 08:45:23 pm »
I naturally entered the girls' bathroom
vs
Naturally, I entered the girls' bathroom.

CMR.

Everything is no more than decoration.
vs
Everything is nothing more than decoration.

I slightly dislike the repitition of "thing," so I'll revert that.

Kiri: "I seem to have just finished it, but......but there was a lot......of blood......"
//Don't quite get this line (originally '...seems to have just ended, but...') - Sheeta

Well, I don't know whether girls refer to their periods in the active or the passive voice in English (no distinction in Japanese) so yeah, I'll just go with what you put.

It's nice, deserving a better role.
//SOS
//I think he's referring to his role with Kiri, like as a bad guy. I think. - Sheeta

Oh well, I don't have any better ideas.  I'll prolly look at this again when VDZ goes "wtf?" a week from now.

The glasswork Kiri is also excellent in the moment she shatters.
//Odd line, in that it doesn't make sense when you first read it, but if you read it again, you realise it's beautiful. I dunno what to do with it! O.o - Sheeta

You have no idea how common that dilemma is. Obviously, I lean towards keeping it. I can read it effortlessly, but that's because in Japanese names/pronouns accept adjectives while in English they really aren't supposed to.

It was thrown. Intent. It was thrown with an intent.
vs
It was thrown. Intently. It was thrown with an intent.

CMR.

She became expressionless, almost sad.
//You can't be 'sadly expressionless' - Sheeta

Actually you can, but since this is basically the same intent I'll let it slide.

Youko: "I'll just disappear while wanting for you."
//'while wanting for you' sounds awkward, but I can't think of a replacement... - Sheeta

Good point, it is a slightly antiquated word (most of what I read in English is ancient, so it sounds perfectly natural to me), but it's by far the most accurate. Blame English for dropping this concept from its modern lexicon.

Miki: "......defective equipment I see."
vs
Miki: "......defective equipment, I see."

To me, this comma changes the meaning from her reaching a conclusion to her assenting with someone else's conclusion. Reverted.

If you look at me with those eyes, I'll agree that the world is anger.
vs
If you look at me with those eyes, I'll agree that the word is anger.

It was "world," reverted.

Kiri: "Who's next after me? Club President-sempai? Kirihara-sempai? Or perhaps......Miki?"
vs
Kiri: "Who's gonna be after me next? Club President-sempai? Kirihara-sempai? Or perhaps......Miki?"

Masive CMR. Why on Earth would Misato, Touko or Miki come after Kiri?

I'd thought I'd seen a can somewhere.
vs
I'd thought I'd seen that can somewhere.

Using "that" implies he's looking at the same can now. Not true. CMR.
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Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #5 on: July 15, 2009, 06:48:29 pm »
First, random question for the editors that VDZ brought up: Which is better: Miki-miki or Miki-Miki?

Kiri: "I don't think I want to ask what exactly you did."
vs
Kiri: "I don't think I want to ask for the exact things you did to him."

CMR, since "ask for" implies receiving some object or service rather than just learning information. That and using plural "things (you did to him)" is very odd in English without a contextual obligation to do so.

I called her that inside my mind.
//if he calls her 'august', shouldn't it have a capital letter? - Sheeta

NOT THE MONTH.
I have no idea why that irritated me so much...oh well, just look it up.

"Even factoring in the fact that the land was cheap and remote, it was still expansive."

Too many wasted words, reverted. Though I changed "factoring in" to "considering" to boost clarity.

"Actually, I have no memories of before the mansion period."

"memories from," changed

All four walls covered up by bookshelves, and so many acadmic books that many were piled up on the floor.
vs
All four walls covered up by bookshelves, and so many acadmic books that most of them were piled up on the floor.

CMR, I doubt it's "most" because then she probably couldn't walk from one end of the room to another.  On the other hand "many of them" might be better than just "many," so I'll use that.

The whole story of the secret love between one of the young husbands and rather young servants.
//Wouldn't it be 'stories' if there's more than one servent? - Sheeta

The "one of" modifies both noun clauses, so there's only one servant.  Changed to "and a rather young servant."

How should I say it......I was captivated by things which were independent.
vs
How should I say it......I was captivated by things that were independent.
and
Captivated by things which live independently, and by strength.
vs
Captivated by things that live independently, and by strength.

"which" makes more sense to me in these sentences than "that," and we've got more than our fair share of "that"s in the scripts anyway.

He soon began to show a talent that could make one's blood run cold.
//The blood draining is a metaphor for going pale ofc, but I think there's a better way to say it in English that I've forgotten. ~IX
//Tried 'make one's blood run cold' - Sheeta

Very nice, kept.

Taichi: "But when he was mating with me, he seemed happy."
//That mating thing again. Is this referring to Taichi and Yutaka's conversation earlier or what Yukata did to Taichi as children? - Sheeta

Unsure, but it's exactly the same word that Kiri once addressed them with in a flashback (and you tried to change to a more natural one) and as I can't recall seeing it anywhere else in the VN, it's probably worth preserving the connection. The ambiguity you're referring to is very likely intentional.

I took one step forward.
//This line get's repeated a lot so I varied it in later instances - Sheeta

It's identical each time in Japanese, and I'm quite sure that's intentional.  Probably to point out that he's forgetting how many times he's doing it (and thus not noticing he's overdoing it). So all variants reverted, sorry.

Miki: "What secret?"
//Although both lines are fine seperately, this one doesn't match the previous sentence well.
//You could change this line to 'Keep what secret?' or change the previous line to '(...) keep it a secret?' or something so this line becomes a natural response to the previous line.
//As it is currently, "What secret?" does not sound like a natural response to "Should I keep it secret?" -VDZ

"Keep what secret?" sounds good to me. Changed.

Miki: "Quite right: it's bread and cans."
//Not sure, but shouldn't "It's" be capitalized as its a complete new sentence? -VDZ

Incorrect. The colon and semicolon connect clauses into one complete, albeit very strange, sentence. You certainly could capitalize it, but that decision is probably best made for aesthetic reasons. Namely, I'd only do it if the part after the colon was a complete sentence/independent clause on its own.

Taichi: "It is midday. Were you able to find any good food?"
//Any particular reason why he says "It is midday" instead of just "it's midday". It sounds awkward, as if he's trying to be formal or something. -VDZ

From my experience, when one states the obvious on purpose to explain themselves in English, it's far more natural to use the slightly higher formality level of splitting apart contradictions. To me, "it's midday" here would imply a subject change.

*bam* *bam* *bam* *bam* *bam* *bam* *bam* *bam!!!* (Psychological Effect)
//Any reason why it's "Psychological Effect" instead of something like "psychological effects"?

Though it isn't specified, I'm interpreting all the "bam"s together as the effect, instead of each individual one being a separate effect. That just makes a bit more sense to me.

I was down to one layer of panties.
//PANTIES?! Is Taichi wearing girl's underwear?! - Sheeta
//If the original word was 'pantsu', couldn't it also be men's underpants? -VDZ

No, because that isn't as funny.

Behind me the alarm clocks, and,
//Is this supposed to be missing a verb? The sentences after this don't give a verb either. I think you meant something like 'behind me the alarm clocks rang' or 'behind me were the alarm clocks' or something? -VDZ

Ah, you're right.  Changed "the" to "were."

It's a little hard to make friends in Gunjou.
//In Gunjou or at Gunjou? -VDZ

......no real distinction in my mind. If anyone thinks there is, please say so.

Taichi: "......aah-ah, there she goes.."
vs
Taichi: "......aah-ah, there she goes..."

Checking the length of my ellipses. That is exactly the kind of exceptional thoroughness we gladly pay you for.
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Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #6 on: July 16, 2009, 09:01:50 pm »
Miki: "It plays an active part in all sorts of facets of daily life."
//Is that just Miki talking weirdly? "Sorts" would be like an "aspect" which is essentually what a "facet" is right?-Spin

In both languages, it's just odd enough that it catches your eye without being discernably "wrong" in any way.

Miki: "You're making a girl's face."
//huh? I don't really understand what that means.-Spin

I'm not sure either, but I went ahead and double checked my dictionary for a possible idiomatic meaning. There was none.
« Last Edit: July 16, 2009, 09:05:37 pm by Ixrec »
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Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2009, 02:30:59 am »
Youko: "......flashbang."
vs
Youko: "......flash bang."
and
I praised myself, saying I'd apologized just like a cheerleading section.
vs
I praised myself, saying I'd apologized just like a cheer leading section.

Reverted for obvious reasons. (from now on, FOR = for obvious reasons)

From the moment I wrote the last diary entry, my......the life that only this me had began.
//naturally, alternate adaptations welcome. ~IX
// I couldn't make sense of this line.

CMR. If this didn't make sense, go back to the hokora scene where he mentions all the hims whose actions were never recorded.

Not beautiful.
vs
That's not beautiful at all.

I think the shorter version had more impact. Reverted.

Family...
vs
Family, and the concept of it...
//'Family is gone' didn't sound right to me. - Sheeta

Massive CMR here, but you've got a point, I'll change that to "Our families..."

Sakuraba: "Regarding the size and expansion rate, I'm sure there is absolutely too much skin."
//I don't really get the second part. Is he hinting about being uncircumsized? I'll just assume that's another of Sakuraba's weird lines for now.-Spin

Yeah, I couldn't make any sense out of it either.

Although this car looks expensive......sorry, deceased Professor Sakakihara.
//Cookies to anyone who honestly remembers this name. ~IX
//uhm...Hot teacher? No wait...Mammoth?-Spin

Nope, Yuusa's teacher. At least someone finally commented there.

Won't the darkness condense enough to push inside?
//In-game it appears one line lower than where it usually is. Is that intentional?-Spin

Nice catch. Yes, some Japanese spacing had been left above that line (presumably to position some ruby text) but it's gone now.

She spoke to me while turned away.
//This might have changed the meaning. I'm not entirely sure since the other one was a little ambiguous. If this isn't what it meant and you don't like it, then you know what to do.-Spin

That is what I meant, and thank you because that sounds way more natural.

Impulses were moving me, making me wander throughout the school.
vs
Impulses were controlling me, making me wander throughout the school.

Damn, you were so close to having two perfect changesets in a row. Sorry, but CMR.

Miki: "......defective equipment I see."
vs
Miki: "......defective equipment......right?"
//It really does fit the context and also, it doesn't stick out as much.-Spi

CMR, clearly you've never heard this usage of "I see" in English before.

A splendid masquerade performed to lure me in.
//Please don't just dismiss this one. I spent 10 minuets on it switching the word order and thinking of better words. Not entirely sure if this is the meaning of the original line but it was pretty ambiguous so I just assumed it is.-Spin

Unfortunately, no, the meaning of the original is based on "composition" referring to the arrangement of elements in a painting. He's not talking about Kiri's trick at all, but rather the image of the situation after her trick has worked.

You see, she certainly had been living in a different world from the ladies who resided in fantasies.
//I don't get why he would be saying "I see" since he's the one explaining everything.-Spin

Because he realized somehting in the process of explaining. Or something. Anyway, I'll just delete thsoe two words.

Taichi: "'Hey, I have a question for you......why won't you go die already?'"
//That should be right, right? Since he's quoting himself afterall. I'm not sure since the quote is the entire line and there isn't anything before or after it. Just that one line.-Spin

Actually you're right. It should be like that.

Kiri: "......ev-even if you say that......it didn't feel that great, so......"
//That's probably because she tried to insert her fingers into her vagina instead of stimulating the clitoris. Common mistake made by a lot of girls during their first couple of tries.-Spin

......how the hell do you know this?

Kiri: "I'm cumming, I'm going to cum!......f-forgive me......it's filthy......"
//Huh? How would she know that word but not "masturbate." This always seems to happen in VNs with the innocent girls.-Spin

It's an odd consequence of the Japanese lexicon allowing words to have far more abstract and flexible meanings in English, hence there are some words which are naturally thought of when experiencing orgasm without having ever been taught them, in addition to the ones which are literally tled as "cum."

*edit*

After seeing all the serial commas deleted, I like that choice of style now. I think I'll try to be consistent with that from now on. Still, be careful about the effects on line breaking when you mess with those ellipses; there was one line in ccb2019 where I had to delete two ellipses to make it look right.
« Last Edit: July 18, 2009, 02:40:03 am by Ixrec »
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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #8 on: July 18, 2009, 09:48:22 pm »
Yutaka, who was absorbed in carefully peeling the stripes off a baumkuchen, didn't hear it.
//I had no idea what a baumkuchen was until googling, though in retrospect I can kind of see the German for 'cake'. Maybe this was just my ignorance here... ~Balcerzak

Actually, none of us knew that. I originally shot down a tl note idea since it has nothing to do with Japanese culture and can be easily found through google or wiki, but I'm kind of rethinking that since it's rather ridiculous to expect anyone to know this offhand, unlike "menarche" or other words which, while obscure are useful enough to be known, albeit not well-known.

Taichi: "Oh, Onii-chama seems to be waking up."
//You TL-noted almost every other cutesy honorific varietion. Did -chama already get covered, I can't remember... ~Balcerzak

Neither can I. Maybe we'll add that just in case.

Taichi: "Rapid fire moe words."
//What?  There's only one word "Fuwaaa".  How is this rapid fire? ~Bal

He appears to be counting Kiri: "......morning." as a moe word. Don't ask me why.

There, the main character would be carefully manufactured exactly as he was just before the last save.
//Didn't he just say this game was different, that it didn't have a main character?  I'm confused. ~Bal

Read more carefully: "However many times the main character dies, he remains the main character, and as long as the whole party isn't obliterated for a game over, no critical destruction will occur.//Naturally, subjective memory is maintained.//By the way, this one was different." In other words, it was different in that part of the main character would be lost forever, as he details in the following lines.

Anyway, neither Miki nor Kiri is here.
//I was going to change this to "neither ... nor are", because I was sure 'is' was wrong, but then I looked up, and found that at times English grammar is really arbitrarily stupid. ~Bal

One wonders why I taught myself Japanese.

There were seasonings on them, so they were quite delicious.
//He hasn't eaten them yet, how does he know they _were_ delicious?! ~Bal

My fail. They "seemed" delicious. Changed. Actually, "appeared" works even better.

Taichi: "Oh, Onii-chama seems to be waking up."
//You TL-noted almost every other cutesy honorific varietion. Did -chama already get covered, I can't remember... ~Balcerzak

TL note added.
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Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #9 on: July 19, 2009, 01:08:33 am »
Since Kiri hates me.
vs
And Kiri hates me.

CMR.

If I pull them out at least once, I win.
//'them' = the tricks or the club members? - Sheeta

Club members.

And so I should sleep.
vs
So I should sleep.

I just feel the first one sounds better. If I had to state a reason, the former feels more comical while the latter feels logical (ie, implies what he's saying is meant to make sense). Reverted.

*bang!*
//'impact' is a lame sound effect :P In fact, I don't think it even counts as a sound effect - Sheeta

1) you didn't say anything the first time I used it, so precedent is against you (ha!)
2) Taichi's sound effects are just like this. Learn to love it. Reverted.

Just as......I don't have the right to live and mate normally with my friends.
//I think we need a discussion on the use of 'mate' and 'mating'. It's fine in comedy lines, but in serious, dramatic lines it really kills the mood - Sheeta

Can't say I'm opposed to talking about it, but since you all know I'm not going to remove the nuance entirely, and I can't think of any middle ground on this, I'm not sure what would be accomplished.

"For now, what I should do is pass the days by and write my diary."

"pass the days by"? Never heard that usage myself, and even if it's right it breaks parallel structure. Reverted.

It's probably not entered in the uniform picture books I have.
vs
It's probably not registered in the uniform picture books I have.

I'm pretty sure "registered" is not the correct word. After double checking the word, I found "serially published" to be the most literal tl, so I'll use "published" instead.

The installer now features an "All Ages" option during installation. This is for those who would like to read the game without the ero scenes. In their place is a few bits of filler text and a black screen.
vs
The installer also features an "All Ages" option during installation. This is for those who would like to read the game without the ero scenes. These will then be replaced by a few bits of filler text and a black screen.

I definitely agree with the "now" to "also" change, nice catch there. But I feel that "In there place is" is far more natural than "these will then be," so that part's reverted.

This is more paranoia than anything else, but also in the readme:
"Error 1: Error opening file for writing.
Solution: http://ixrec.11.forumer.com/viewtopic.php?p=1755#1755"
Should we have that post copied to the new forum so this link can also go to the new forum?
« Last Edit: July 19, 2009, 01:10:37 am by Ixrec »
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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #10 on: July 19, 2009, 05:52:44 am »
This is more paranoia than anything else, but also in the readme:
"Error 1: Error opening file for writing.
Solution: http://ixrec.11.forumer.com/viewtopic.php?p=1755#1755"
Should we have that post copied to the new forum so this link can also go to the new forum?
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing, but I thought 'if they keep that in the readme, I doubt they'll take the forums down', so I left it there.

Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #11 on: July 19, 2009, 09:57:59 pm »
Because I'm paranoid:
Do not read past script 22 yet except at your own risk.
After that start the 4000s, which have not been tled. Yes, I did some stuff out of order. That worked out to be easier for me. This issue will be moot in four or five days (since that will be when I've tled all 4000 scripts appearing before 45b).

While splashing around, they negotiated with water.
//Negotiated? With the water? Are you sure this isn't some kind of mistranslation? -VDZ

"My nipples collaborated with the wind."
I hope that answers your question.
*edit*
OH, you think they're talking to water. No, this is using "negotiations" as a euphemism for small-scale warfare. If you can think of a way to make that more obvious without removing the cleverness, go ahead.

Miki: "Wa! Wa! Not go-!"
//Not go? Unless she's being cut off and it isn't clear what she's trying to say, don't you mean 'no go!'? -VDZ

Looking back, I can't remember what I meant. After double checking the Japanese, I probably meant "not good" and this time I'll leave the whole word in there.

An*sa.
//アン○サ。
//I cannot find this name anywhere. An*sa. No idea how accurate that romanization is or how much is covered by the *. ~IX
//This at least needs to be in some form of English here... ~Balcerzak
//Unless this has been fixed since then, this one shows up as gibberish to me. -VDZ

Can't imagine how "An*sa." fails to show up, but you're implying you read this part before Balcerzak fixed that, so yeah, it's probably fine now.

It is known to those who know as Ne**n.
//.....What? Sorry, I don't get that sentence at all O.o - Sheeta

Callback to a list of "legendary" soft drinks. The asterisks are in a different place for some reason, so that might've contributed to your confusion.

On top of that, thanks to my hair turning white overnight from fear, I could handle the sunlight.
//Oh, is that why it turned white? XD - Sheeta

I'm not really sure why he said this myself, but my guess is that he's pretending white isn't the natural color since he thinks that's ugly for some reason.

Like the white afterimages of station signs occasionally passing by the windows of the late night expression train Michiko boarded as she set out on a journey after being hurt by lost love, Miki went through me.
vs
Like the white afterimages of station signs that occasionally passed across the windows of the late night express train that Michiko boarded as she set out on a journey after being hurt by lost love, Miki went straight through me.

"expression train"? What was I smoking that night?

Miki: "Hey-you-wait."
//It does look just this strange in Japanese, and she said it in one breath, so please don't touch it. //It does look just this strange in Japanese, and she said it in one breath, so please don't touch it. ~IX
//I put hyphens in it. Don't kill me. - Sheeta

Perfect.

A 『?』 floated up in Miki's head.
vs
A 『?』 floated up above Miki's head.
//He wouldn't be able to see it if it was in Miki's head - Sheeta

I got "in" and "on" backwards. Brilliant. Fixed.

Taichi: "It's a lockpicking too. It'll come in handy. It's small so it has no endurance, but there's a possibility the plate will break when it aligns with the shear line. Be warned."
//SOS
vs
Taichi: "It's a lockpicking tool. It'll come in handy. It's small so it's not very enduring, but there's a possibility the plate will break when it aligns with the shear line. Be warned."
//SOS
//Did my best - Sheeta

The SOS was referring to the "plate" and "shear line" which are entirely meaningless to me, since I can't pick locks, so there's a strong possibility I mistled something. Reverted for now, but if anyone knows this terminology please correct me.
« Last Edit: July 19, 2009, 10:12:06 pm by Ixrec »
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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #12 on: July 20, 2009, 04:59:07 pm »
Shoes on, GO!
// Do you think a note regarding that Japanese schools students have to use indoor shoes is needed?

Good idea, I'd forgotten that myself.

Dammit......was I harassed by Miki-Miki......?
//wasn't it always Miki-miki?

I believe Balcerzak asked me about this, and I decided Miki-Miki was the better option.

And shikiller, update before you commit. You overwrote three of my recent changes to 11c.

The rest is fine. Not much to comment on today.
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Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #13 on: July 21, 2009, 05:50:57 pm »
Misato: "Peke-kun has become a military man!?"
vs
Misato: "Peke-kun has become a man of the military!?"

"Military man" is a phrase I've heard in English before. Perhaps that's because many parts of my country have a strong militaristic bias. In any case, reverted.

The memories from before my tenth year are muddled in places, as if I was dreaming.
vs
The memories from before my tenth year are muddled in places, as if I were dreaming.

That just isn't how "was/were" are used. Reverted.

Taichi: "......no, nevermind......there's no point in asserting common sense on a person who has none."
//In this context it sounded like he accepted the fellatio thing instead of giving up on telling her off about it.-Spin

"never mind" is two words.

Nanaka: "Are you okaaay?"
//I don't know if she was using Japanese slang or not but it didn't sound like the usual way of asking if someone was alright. Might I suggest "Y'alright?" or something along those lines if she was.

She was not. Changed to "You okaaay?"

Here was an effect of the morning fellatio that I couldn't have thought of.
//He "couldn't have thought of" the fellatio? I'm a little confused as to what he's talking about there.-Spin

Read more carefully:

Taichi: "Yes. The presence I feel from you makes it clear to my cranial deliberation committee that you are not human."
Nanaka: "Ha, you figured out that much......you're too sharp, Taichi."
Taichi: "Hu!"
Here was an effect of the morning fellatio that I couldn't have thought of."

Yes, he was unable to predict gaining the ability to holistically analyze the presence of sentient entities in general from being given a morning fellatio.

How long had she been sitting here?
vs
How long had she been sitting here for?
and
Touko: "......I have no appetite......"
vs
Touko: "......I haven't got an appetite......"
and
Just by lacking people, things quiet down this much.
vs
Just by lacking people, things quieten down this much.

These rephrasings look downright bizarre to me. All reverted.

Bullets were fired.
vs
Bullets fired out.

That one's just plain wrong. Bullets do not fire, they are fired, and since they can't fire "in", putting an "out" there just makes it look weird. Reverted.
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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #14 on: July 22, 2009, 06:22:14 pm »
Thank you shikiller for capitalizing all those "Miki-Miki"s for me.

Miki: "The prettiest part is right before it sinks.�["
// I can't see the symbols at the end, what are they?

That one was a mistake on my part. Deleted.

Taichi: "What the heck is that greeting!? Isn't it missing four grades---!---?"
// 4 angles? i think it should be four grades, he's talking about the degree of inclination of her head when greeting.

Ah, on second glance at the source the intended meaning feels very obvious now. *rewrites*

By the way, these small firing arms of ours have been used every year at the campouts.
//'arms' as in guns, right? - Sheeta

"small arms" is definitely a standardized term for handheld firearms. Reverted.

Kiri closed in on me to make certain of a hit.
//I have no idea if this is grammatically correct, but it sounded cool when I said it out loud - Sheeta

It's significantly less correct than the previous version. Reverted.

Gunjou was an elevator-style institute, minus the university.
//Is "elevator-style" a known phrase in English? ~IX
//I haven't heard of it myself. - Sheeta

Okay, tl note added.

Taichi: "It was a pretty snug thing at the time. There really aren't that many intellectuals."
*Intellectual = One who has delight, anger, sorrow, pleasure and other emotions.
//I don't fully understand this line myself. ~IX
//I think he's referring to the festival - Sheeta

That much was obvious. I'm referring to the implication that most people don't have those emotions.

Miki: "'Twas nothing."
vs
Miki: "'T'was nothing."

Reverted.

*edit*

Finally we're on page 2!
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