Author Topic: Edit Commit Comments  (Read 13867 times)

Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #30 on: August 03, 2009, 05:32:36 pm »
Effective cotton.
//"cotton?"-Spin

I couldn't make any sense out of this line. Only kanji I managed to come up with for the last part meant "cotton," I just assumed he was talking about her panties and moved on.

Youko: "......f-five......nn!......-----!!"
//Oh how I envy girls and their almost nonexistent refractory periods.-Spin

Their whats?

The word doesn't matter.
vs
Those words don't matter.
//Since he just said 3 words right before this line.-Spin

Misinterpretation. He's saying it doesn't matter what word you choose to call "that" by, as made clear by the next line where he just gives up and says "that." The three words he listed were just possible names for "it." The actual "it" and thus the "correct word for "it"" is singular. So, CMR.

Taichi: "......I don't have anything. I'm just black. My heart specializes in hurting people; it isn't beautiful at all."
//lol, 4chan is going to have a field day with the whole "black" and "hurting people" thing.-Spin

Indeed it will.

Taichi: "Isn't communication a technique that exists because we want to connect with others?"
//Told you, Raide.-Spin

???
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Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #31 on: August 04, 2009, 01:50:19 am »
I'd like to finish cooking while it's light outside...
vs
I'd like to finish cooking while there's light outside...

"it's light" is colloquial, but correct. Reverted.

Things I couldn't understand before I recently realized I could read.
// Reads weird to me, why not "I recently realized I could read things I couldn't understand before."

You're right. *adds comma*
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Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #32 on: August 05, 2009, 07:24:53 pm »
After living through a long proper time, I'd gathered the skills and the knowledge.
//I don't understand the 'long proper time' part. What's 'proper' about it? - Sheeta
//I don't really get it either.-Spin

Wasn't able to answer when Sheeta asked since the forum was down and none of you were online. This is the same usage of "proper" as occurred numerous times in week 4 (maybe even 3) to refer to what I think can be defined as life/time/etc as perceived and interpreted from a personal perspective rather than an observer's perspective.

I stood up and walked away.
//Wasn't he standing all this time?-Spin

I thought he was lying or sitting down, gazing up at the sky.

At about 『my』, they fell to her ankles.
//my? - Sheeta
//No, hers. She was the one wearing them. ~IX
//It still doesn't make sense. "At about my, they fell to her ankles."-Spin

Oh that's what confused you. He means when Misato said "my" in the previous line. The brackets were meant to make that more obvious.

Stepladder, needles, tools......all of those things,
//CP
//Needles? She sounds like a heroin addict-Spin

Wiring stuff. You've seen this line a few times before, so I figured no explanation was needed.

Also, please make sure the game moves from 1001a to 1001b like it's supposed to. With the current version of ccd.dsf, it should also restart week 6 after 1001b, and the "roof" choice should not be removed.
« Last Edit: August 05, 2009, 07:28:29 pm by Ixrec »
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Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #33 on: August 06, 2009, 10:02:32 pm »
This guy might just be insensible to malice.
//Maybe it's just me, but "insensitive" seems the better, as well as more common, word choice for this type of phrase. ~Bal

More common, yes, but since "insensible" has the stronger meaning (it means unable to sense something, not just relatively bad at sensing it) I'll leave it in. If you like I can go check the original word and see how literal this choice was.

"And with her fingernails, she drew a 『X』 in the ground."

Whether to use "a" or "an" is determined by pronunciation, not by spelling. "X" is pronounced "eks" with a short "e" vowel at the beginning, hence "an" is correct. Reverted.

Ah crap, when I looked at this script in game I saw 『w』 for some reason. I changed it back now, but ouch, that'll confuse a lot of patch five users. (since Spin was the only one I know of who touched that letter, I blame him)

The multiple worlds theory found in quantum mechanics does not support the existence of parallel worlds.
//I think technically it's referred to as the "many worlds interpretation", but Taichi already admitted to not being very familiar with the field. ~Bal

This was a decision I had to make on the fly. The Japanese word used there can mean "many" or "multiple". So it's the correct writing of the theory name, but if I tl it as "many" rather than "multiple" several other sentences in the lecture won't make sense in English. At the time, I decided using the same word was preferable, as it's pretty obvious to anyone who knows the theory that that's what he's referring to. Feel free to change it if you disagree.

Miki: "So, Sakakihara-sensei was probably killed."
//Sounds almost like Sakakibara, but I'm not positive.  Here's a save right at the line for anyone else who wants to take a listen. (#40 from http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?oknhnzzdzxz)

From the kanji, both are equally plausible. As mentioned a very long time ago, nanori are my only real weakness with Japanese, as they are tbh half-kanji and half-guesswork. I can rarely do more than narrow it down to 2 or 3 possible pronunciations. So if it sounds like "bara", go ahead and change it in all scripts.
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Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #34 on: August 08, 2009, 07:10:39 pm »
Taichi: "Immoral is thinking too much."
//Do you mean 'thinking too much is immoral?' - Sheeta

"Immoral" is his nickname from a flashback in I forgot which week. Due to overlapping capitalization rules, this got lost. I'll change the line to "You're thinking too much, Immoral." to make this more clear.

Taichi: "On average, ten people in any given class are giving out EM waves......"
(TL note: "EM waves" is also a slang term in Japanese that's best defined as "incoherent or incomprehensible thought and/or speech")
//I can't shake the feeling that there might be a better way to adapt or explain this one. ~IX
//Perhaps just say 'best defined as 'incomprehensible'' - Sheeta

No, because it usually is comprehensible to anyone who knows the person well, and the term never applies to anything other than thought or speech (such as writing).

Homesickness?
//Any need to repeat the tl notes here? ~IX
//Might be an idea, since the original scene was a long time ago - Sheeta

It's definitely been too long for anyone to remember this exact scene in detail, but I feel like pretty much anyone will find this feels familiar and will have no trouble assuming it's yet more kanji trickery. That's why I asked.

After living in a town where I can see such things, I naturally have dreams about the moment of release for larva resembling white shrimp chili buried in the mountains.
vs
After living in a town where I can see such things, I naturally have dreams about the moment a larva is released from its cocoon, resembling white shrimp chilli buried in the mountains.

CMR, the larva are buried, not the metaphorical chili. Also, "chilli" is UK and "chili" is US, as mentioned a while back (can't remember when this last came up).

Last year, I'm pretty sure Tomoki and Mimi-sempai had been fighting.
vs
Last year, I'm pretty sure Tomoki and Mimi-sempai had fought.

CMR.

There was a big difference between each.
vs
There was a big difference between each of them.

Can't tell if "them" refers to the people or the fights, so I just gave up and added the word "fights" to the sentence.

Taichi: "That which we call 'morals' has become infinitely close to zero."
vs
Taichi: "That what we call 'morals' has become infinitely close to zero."

Reverted.

Taichi: "It's called a boob job."
//boob job = breast enhancement, so maybe we should us a different slang term? - Sheeta

I'm aware of that, but I don't know of any other term for it in English. Besides, the meaning is very obvious in context.
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Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #35 on: August 11, 2009, 04:46:34 pm »
I just added a week to my repayment time.
//Has to be better word for debt -Neko

Since he's not talking about a debt, I'm not sure what you mean.

Sorry, but Gunjou is no such thing.
//Major confusion here. Gunjou itself at no point of time in the last two lines was described. The way I read this is: Gunjou has no such things, or: Gunjou isn't something for that. Mild flaw in subject -Neko

Both of your readings match the intent, so I don't see much of an issue. It is an awkward transition in English, yes, but conceptually speaking it never felt that unnatural to me. If you can think of a better phrasing, go right ahead.

Since the antenna has some altitude, an attempt to complete it so we can send a dispatch...... was certainly lacking in a sense of realism.
Add signal after dispatch? I didn't follow this line all too well -Neko

First, don't forget the // in front of your comments. Second, rephrased.

Misato: "For all the people to go away at once..."
vs
Misato: "For all the people to leave at once..."

To me "leave" implies they still exist somewhere, so that line just doesn't sound right. Reverted.

Back when I believed that not touching people was the one and only path---
Really, using touch so much is starting to get unnecessarily repetitive. I think "reaching/reach out" would be better in some instances, such as the above -Neko

Interesting dilemma. I'm certainly not swapping "touch" for "reach out" since those are very different, albeit related, concepts. However I may be able to swap "touch" with "contact" in a number of lines.

Taichi: "Won't you die from the heat if you sleep here in the middle of the day?"
Might consider using what others have for this. "Heat stroke" -Neko

Since the script that's quoted from never had that change, I'm not sure what "others" you're referring to.

I'll construct the system far more efficiently than Sempai.
//Why system instead of antenna? System makes this sentence unnecessarily complex. He's trying to construct a single object. -Neko

He's probably including the wiring and tuning and other equipment, not just the physical structure of the antenna.

I don't dislike working until I'm dripping in sweat. It's comfortable.
//There's a centralizaed adaptation to this. But I can't remember -Neko

"don't mind" popped into my head, so I've changed it to that.

My body changed automatically, and one of my old memories floated up.
//What kind of change? I didn't get the implication.

The following line is the closest thing we have to an explanation.

A repose with no possibility of hurting anyone.
//A repose is a place free from worry and anxiety, it doesn't have possibility. Need's rewording, someone may be able to vocalize this concern better than I.

That's precisely the intent; I see no contradiction there.

What I could pay for was this continuous stressful environment.
//Did you mean "The manner in which I paid for"? This wording is convoluted. -Neko

Changed "par for" to "afford"

I had quite a bit of confidence in my sarcasm.
//"Ability to be sarcastic" or something to that effect. The way it's read is "The above two lines were my 'sarcasm'" and this statement says I have confidence in my 'above two lines', as opposed to one's ability to be sarcastic.

Again, that is what he meant, I don't see a problem.

Hers was the first club I'd ever been invited to.
//"Her's" (I think) or "Her club was the first I'd", would be the solution. Needs fix -Neko

Another person who thinks "hers" has an apostrophe in it?  I'd better go check this. *edit* Yep, every dict google knows of says it has no apostrophe.

A gate to prevent people from running away.
//To prevent the action of running, needed to identify the object. -Neko

One: Since "running away" is a gerund, thus a noun, it was technically correct grammar.
Two: Whether the object in question is "people" is debateable, thus I feel this was made deliberately vague and should be reverted.

Taichi: "Do you have a hang over?"
//You're kidding right? It's a 'hang over', therefore a noun. Fixed. (Nobody says "Hung over" irl, nubs) -Neko

?????? Not that there's any need to revert it, but I've heard "hung over" at least once irl.

Taichi: "That was me."
//Suggestion: My doing. Indicates he's the source of the phenomenon

Nah, I'll stick to the literal. For all I know he's purposely saying he's a phenomenon.

Misato: "Eh!? Did I say that?"
//Taichi above doesn't say what she said. So this should be 'do so' or simply 'did I'. I recommend the latter -Neko

Uh, yes he does. Not quite direct enough to obey the strictest interpretations of pronoun usage rules, but plenty direct for me to leave this line as is.

Taichi: "Yes. Maybe because you were drunk, you don't remember it?"
//Perhaps you were drunk. Alternare take for less awkwardness -Neko

Since her drunkenness was exceedingly obvious, phrasing it as if he's not sure sounds notably more awkward to me.

She lowered her shoulder straps with both hands, and her right hand once again went for her blouse buttons, and her left hand began to undo the fastener on the side hook of her skirt.
//And, and. Run-on sentence. -Neko

Intentional. Also there's actually no such thing as a run-on sentence.

At about 『my』, they fell to her ankles.
//my? - Sheeta
//No, hers. She was the one wearing them. ~IX
//It still doesn't make sense. "At about my, they fell to her ankles."-Spin
//It does, When she got to "I'll strip my" her panties dropped to her ankles. It's clever, doesn't need to be fixed. However, could use "Around" instead of "At about" -Neko

I actually debated using "around," but eventually decided "about" felt more natural to me. Feel free to change it.

She sat down crookedly and cried like a truly Japanese woman.
//I think true would be better here. And more hilarious -Neko

Can't argue with that.

Taichi: "That's a crane's repayment."
//SOS?
//maybe something to do with Japanese mythology? - Sheeta
//That's what I assumed so I guess readers will also.-Spin
//Recompense is pro here. -Neko

Actually not. "repayment" for a good deed, "recompense" for a bad.

She fell down in tears.
TP
//she fell down in tears, after Taichi "confirmed" what she had done.
//She fell into tears? What? "Dropped to her knees, sobbing." Even just changing "in tears" to sobbing wound be better, she fell down in the action of sobbing -Neko

One: heard this in English a few times, sounds fine to me
Two: been used in the tl several times already, changing it now would just be inconsistent

Sempai stood up at the same time the precarious building materials began to move.
//The building materials were moving prior to standing up, or did they start to move after she stood up. Discrepancy here -Neko

Doesn't the sentence explicitly say they start to move at the same time she stands up? If you're after what part of the standing up the movement began during, I have to call that nitpicking.

While playing dissonant chords, scattered across the ground.
//Dissonant pertains to sounds, so I matched the next word to the prior. I assumed intention -Neko

You were correct, we all suck.

Taichi: "When I'm not careful, I start wanting to hurt people."
//I'd like to see desire used over "want" here. Indicated maliciousness

Since she's not malicious imo, and that'd probably be more awkward, I have to reject that.

I don't know whether or not there's affection underneath her smile.
vs
I don't know whether there's affection or not underneath her smile.

The gibberish "to have not under your smile" is implied by the new version, so reverted.

That's Sempai, the one that was conscious of me as a member of the opposite gender.
//Being isn't past tense. the one to enforce past tense. -Neko

This line is in present tence. It's referring to the current Sempai in contrast with the lines above about the past Sempai. Transition was explicitly made by "She no longer has that innocence." Reverted, with a more minor tense alternation.

Taichi: "It's fine for Sempai to live easy."
//Carefree may be a more situational alternative

There are words I prefer to tl as carefree, and this wasn't one of them. I'm pretty sure he meant easy.

Tomoki: "By 'club,' you meant 'that' nonsense?"
//Meant here suggests aggressive sarcasm, mean would be better if he was sincerely asking for verification -Neko

It is aggressive sarcasm.

Taichi: "We call it a club to pleasure ourselves."
//Please would be better -Neko

Also brought up the first time it was used, but I kept it this way due to the possible innuendo.

Taichi: "Is not being betrayed a precondition for trust?"
//Pretense to = Alternate wording -Neko

Interesting idea, but I feel that wording would loose the implication of necessity.

Taichi: "Be a purer Immoral. It's for your sake."
//Then turning immoral into a noun, vs. Proper noun -Neko

Not that this hasn't been done before.

Taichi: "Isn't it great-writer-ish?"
//Esque may be an appropriate replacement for 'ish' here

Since overuse of "esque" is exactly the sort of thing someone might do if they think they're a better writer than they are, I'll use that.

I sat her down and got some wheat tea out.
//Served could got and out, would sound more homely too -Neko

I really like that idea. I went ahead and changed it in the old scripts too.

Taichi: "Oooh? It was today?"
//This should be it's, since today is present tense. But if it conflicts with previous scripts, it's legible and easily understood, therefore, not worth the effort. -Neko

It does, but the bigger issue for me is that this is more natural than present tense in colloquial English.

Tomoki: "......but, Aneki......"
//There's an instance early in CCD1001c where Aneki isn't capitalized. If it's been determined that it should be so, fix it or this.

Fixed.

Tomoki: "Nee-san is a traitor!"
//He's talking to Misato directly here. Might be wise to replace Nee-san with You are to indicate subject shift.

I decided to make the 3rd to 2nd person transition occur in the line after this, since hearing "nee-san" in the voice and not seeing it in the text is a needless jar to the reader.

Taichi: "Whatever love might happen, or bonds there might be, it doesn't matter."
//Love that comes to be? Makes it sound like love is situational, dilutes emotional effect -Neko

To me, him making that implication improved the emotion.

Misato: "Please live in whatever way you want."
//Wording here is awkward, it's more like a passive send off "Do what you will" "Please live however you please". That is to say 'I don't have anything to do with you anymore' -Neko

Yet again, that's exactly the intent.

Taichi: "To me, what you're doing looks just like what she did."
vs
Taichi: "To me, what you're doing looks just like what I did."

CMR.
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Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #36 on: August 13, 2009, 04:56:27 pm »
And now, Touko was there 『as always.』
//?????? - Sheeta

My guess: he's drawing a contrast between doing what one has done for the past several days and doing what one did in the past several loops of a repeating world.

And I am acting the same as always after all---
vs
And I am acting the same as always after all---?

A truly bizarre CMR.
Damn accidental rhyme.

But if she really didn't like it, would she be red up to her ears?
vs
But if she really didn't like it, wouldn't she be red all the way up to her ears?

Another CMR.

But Youko always hid behind my back.
vs
But Touko always hid behind my back.
//youko?

I was bound to do that sooner or later.

Taichi: "For the same reason you ignored me?"
vs
Taichi: "You ignored me for that reason?"

CMR.

IF $KAISOU == 0 JMP N_START001
IF $CIA == 101 JMP SCENE001
IF $CIA == 102 JMP SCENE002
//These need to be looked at, perhaps fixed for replay mode? ~Bal

Yeah, I'm thinking I'll just squish the scripts back together after all the editing is done.

After living through a long proper time, I'd gathered the skills and the knowledge.
//I don't understand the 'long proper time' part. What's 'proper' about it? - Sheeta
//I don't really get it either.-Spin
//Fixed lol -Neko
//No, "proper time" is a compound phrase, borrowed from the sort of terminology used in the theory of relativity.  The adjective 'proper' indicates that it is time in one's own reference frame, not relative to an observer.  When a comma seperates the adjectives it implies the order is reversable, which is not the case here. The phrases "proper time", "proper us", etc. have been used here to distinguish the effect of the time loop, at least as I've been reading it. Reverted. ~Bal

Uh...thanks...but I already explained that in a past edit commit. Oh well, good to see someone understood it without an explanation.

Taichi: "Do you have a hangover?"
//You're kidding right? It's a 'hang over', therefore a noun. Fixed. (Nobody says "Hung over" irl, nubs) -Neko
//One word.  Also.  "Are you hung over?" is also perfectly acceptable, and not uncommon in my experience.  ~Bal

Thank you for telling off Neko.

Misato: "I'm just a petty ojou-chan who has to work laboriously even though I'm a first year because I have so few club members."
//Did a quick grep for 'ojou' in the old scripts.  It only came up with shoujo and related.  TL note of some sort here? ~Bal

"Ojou" has been used at least dozens of times, and I'm sure I had a tl note for its first usage. Try again (considering searching the tl note list too).

Taichi: "Is not being betrayed a precondition for trust?"
vs
Taichi: "Isn't accepting the possibility of being betrayed a precondition for trust?"
//Unless it was meant to sound odd and awkward. (Not every trust ends up betrayed, but if the inclusion of 'possibility' is undesired, revert away.) ~Bal

"Possibility" isn't an issue, but I find this new phrasing far more awkward than the original, on top of being less forceful because now he's using a rhetorical question. Reverted.

Taichi: "And the person on the top stays put."
//Assuming the previous line was also about the person on bottom (the only way it makes sense to me...If it were the top person turning around they'd be back-to-back, with no means of support--or sexual innuendo), this line felt redundant. Though the Japanese does seem to be pretty explicitly 'bottom'... ~Bal

Reverted, unsurprisingly. Honestly no idea what you're talking about with "back-to-back" because he's talking about riding on someone else's shoulders.

As if to allow the clear salt water to remain expressionless.
//Finally figured out this was the intent. Still hyperliteral, so if this doesn't make sense in English, just go at it again. ~IX
//Ahh, so her expression has sunk, and now the surface of the sea is undisturbed once more? Makes senses, after thinking it over a bit. ~Bal

Good to hear, because it's awfully rare for a line to baffle me that thoroughly before I even attempt to translate it.

Sempai's bowels loosened.
//Bowels typically only refers to fecal excrement.  I thought she had to piss.  Shouldn't this be "her bladder loosened" or did she really just shit herself? ~Bal

You're right, I'd forgotten that. Changed.

WVP 1 bgm018.ogg 0 0 0
//The first time I got here, it seemed to be playing brokenly, like looping only the first second or something? However, I can't seem to reproduce this at any other time. Probably just a fluke, but thought I'd mention it. ~Bal

Hopefully, although I guess it could be a result of script splitting that will go away when I merge them back together later.

Also, tentative policy statement on script merging: I will merge all split scripts eventually, to avoid any technical issues that may be cause by the split. However, I will wait on merging a given mini-route until we go through a full round of editing without that mini-route being touched at all. That way, none of my changes to the actual edits will get wiped away.
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Balcerzak

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #37 on: August 13, 2009, 06:01:22 pm »
Taichi: "And the person on the top stays put."
//Assuming the previous line was also about the person on bottom (the only way it makes sense to me...If it were the top person turning around they'd be back-to-back, with no means of support--or sexual innuendo), this line felt redundant. Though the Japanese does seem to be pretty explicitly 'bottom'... ~Bal

Reverted, unsurprisingly. Honestly no idea what you're talking about with "back-to-back" because he's talking about riding on someone else's shoulders.

Quote from: script
Taichi: "Please imagine a normal piggyback."
Youko: "Okay."
Taichi: "Generally, the knees of the person on top point forward and to the face of the person on the bottom, but......"
Taichi: "Now turn that around so he's facing backward." //pronoun unclear
Taichi: "And the person on the [disputed] stays put."
Taichi: "Reverse piggyback."
How about an image, since apparently my plain text failed.

Case 1: "Now turn that around so he's facing backward." refers to the top person;  "And the person on the [disputed] stays put." refers to the bottom person.  Found in the center.  Obvious fail.
Case 2: "Now turn that around so he's facing backward." refers to the bottom person;  "And the person on the [disputed] stays put." refers to the top person.  Found on the right.  Clear winner

The third and fourth cases are both automatically ruled out, as in no case can both pronouns refer to the same person, as they would then be required to simultaneously 'turn around' as well as 'stay put'. The script currently falls into one of these contradictory cases.

Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #38 on: August 14, 2009, 10:15:41 pm »
A gate to prevent running away.
//Seems like this should be either "escaping", or the implied object, people, needs to be identified -Neko

Been explained already.

Taichi: "You're a sudden guy. You said nothing about this yesterday."
//Alt: Spontaneous/Sporadic/Impulsice -Neko

The word "spontaneous" has been used to describe Sakuraba a few times in the past. I don't feel like checking the past usages to debate whether changing them all to one of your three suggestions would constitute a net improvement, but since it very well might it'd be nice if someone did.

Taichi: "An urgent arrest, with no warrant."
//There MAY be an english term for immediate arrest, or an arrest that is effective immediately, but it's slipping my mind. -Neko

My gut feeling was that there wasn't, but yeah, maybe.

Taichi: "And now I give you the pitiful second name of Sakuraba."
//Second Name: What? Is this a japanese thing, or a title being given? Wakarimasen lol -Neko

It's Taichi. That is all.

I surrounded Sakuraba.
//Cornered? Subdued? How could he, as one person, surround Sakuraba -Neko

"subdued" probably does match the intent better, even though it's not an acceptable def of the word (thus why it never occured to me), so I'll go with that.

Taichi: "Sakuraba, we're going."
//leaving*. Standard obscure localization.

Going sounds a bit more natural to me. No change.

Taichi: "Why...it doesn't have any real meaning."
//"There's no reason, really." English equivalent. There's nothing wrong with this, it's just something to consider -Neko

Good idea, but I'll default to the literal as usual.

She was surrounded by high walls.
//There has to be a better expression for personal fortress, being estranged, unattainable, isolated by (...) -Neko
She obeyed like a subordinate.
//Complied seems more accurate. Alt. "She was obedient, like a subordinate".

None of those alternatives feel like improvements, so I'll just leave it.

I'd contacted an unlimited number of Toukos.
//Endless seems better here, as it's standing an infinite number of outputs. Unlimited sounds more numerical, something that can't be exhausted. -Neko

I'm confused again. "Unlimited" makes more sense to me precisely because it is numerical and it's being used to describe the word "number."

I had only seen conclusions that were far from happiness.
//You use I'd too much -Neko

rofl

Nothing but failures. It makes me laugh.
//"We're" would be a harmless, more fluid additions. This could be read two ways "Touko and I" or "The situations consisted of". We're eliminates the discrepancy. -Neko

How's that a discrepancy? I'd prefer we leave both interpretations intact since it's impossible to know which one was intended.

Taichi: "The same ending as always......"
//Result or Conclusion would enforce definition here. Ending is vague. -Neko

As usual, that's on purpose.

Taichi: "Be at ease. My two hundred million small wonderful lives aren't inside those."
//Does he say it the same way he said it to Misato pre-hscene? If so, they should match eachother.

He does not.

I do want to, but I won't do it now.
//Too many do(s) in this sentence. "I wish I could", "I'd like to", etc. -Neko

The first "do" originally felt necessary to me for emphasis, but "would like" works just as well so I'll change that.

It shouldn't produce any development.
//It's implication is obscure here. You lost me -Neko

I honestly don't know what was intended either.

Taichi: "I heard you got in trouble with the teacher again."
//I think preserving 'sensei' in the line should be considered. -Neko

LOL. There are several dozen words in this tl I only use in conjunction with a very specific Japanese word. "teacher" is tied to "教師kyoushi." So anytime you see it, you know "sensei" was not the word (and I did check, it wasn't).

Touko: "I never accepted becoming a student here."
//Decided may be better here. It's stronger, stating 'she never really had a choice'.

Disagree. Though you're right, that's already an obvious fact. If she just states the obvious rather than her unwillingness to accept the obvious, it feels like a very different line to me.

Taichi: "I think so too."
//I believe you may be better. But then again, there is nothing wrong with this, it just takes away power from Touko's conviction, implying Taichi is the judge.

Again, probably intentional.

Sakuraba: "......this is what you were like back then."
vs
Sakuraba: "......this is what you were like back then?"

CMR. No really, that's what he meant.

  -Draw near her
vs
  -Draw near to her

The edit itself is fine, but you forgot to do it in the old script this was CP'd from.

This decision connects to madness.
vs
This decision would connect to madness.

This edit makes no sense to me. Either the connection exists or it doesn't. Nothing's going to happen to change what they connect to. CMR.

Kiri was stressed out half to death.
//Is it just me, or does this sound very awkward? Shouldn't it be either 'stressed half to death' or 'stressed out'? I'm not sure if 'stressed out half to death' is correct. -VDZ

I have absolutely no idea, but I like how it sounds without the "out." Changed for no concrete reason.

I gathered keys from the staff room and searched for a car that at least one would fit.
//Original sounded awkward ~Bal
//Still sounds awkward IMO. You can grasp its meaning after re-reading it once, but you're supposed to understand it immediately. -VDZ

Works fine for me unless I try to read it too quickly.

Its biorhythms seem unfavorable.
//Why the plural? It's only one car, so wouldn't it have only one biorhythm? -VDZ

afaik, all bioorganisms have multiple biorhythms, so changing this to singular would just break the metaphor for me.

That's why I become 『that way』 after all.
//Become or became? -VDZ

Good question. The literal is definitely "become".

Youko: "I'll just disappear while wanting for you."
//'while wanting for you' sounds awkward, but I can't think of a replacement... - Sheeta
//Wanting for you? -VDZ

Obscure definition.

Taichi: "She lives in an apartment near her workplace and only comes home once in a while."
//I'm assuming 'she' = his mother. If I'm wrong, please revert it ^^ - Sheeta
//She= Youko

Incorrect. Although Taichi does say "she" in Japanese, he has said in the past that Youko is not allowed to set foot in the house (also I have no reason to believe Youko is employed; she clearly doesn't need a job to make a living). The reason I didn't originally put "my mother" is that Mutsumi adopted him, but this time around I feel more comfortable with that.
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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #39 on: August 15, 2009, 03:13:25 am »
Its biorhythms seem unfavorable.
//Why the plural? It's only one car, so wouldn't it have only one biorhythm? -VDZ

afaik, all bioorganisms have multiple biorhythms, so changing this to singular would just break the metaphor for me.
[11:06] <+VDZ> Ixrec?
[11:06] <Ixrec|GSM> yes?
[11:06] <+VDZ> What do you mean, multiple biorhythms?
[11:07] <Ixrec|GSM> better look up the word before I try to answer that
[11:07] <Ixrec|GSM> "An innate, cyclical biological process or function."
[11:07] <Ixrec|GSM> so, heart beating, breathing, etc
[11:09] <+VDZ> He's talking about the the cycle of 'driving - stopping - driving - stopping' rhythm of the car, with the car suddenly ceasing to function at unfavorable times
[11:09] <Ixrec|GSM> oh, you might have a point there
[11:09] <Ixrec|GSM> I hadn't thought about it in detail
[11:09] <Ixrec|GSM> leave a note, I'll get to it later

Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #40 on: August 15, 2009, 03:48:01 am »
<+VDZ> He's talking about the the cycle of 'driving - stopping - driving - stopping' rhythm of the car, with the car suddenly ceasing to function at unfavorable times

Though that's what prompted him to make the analogy, after rereading the scene in question I stick by my original statement that no bioorganisms have only one biorhythm. That, and there are many things within a car we could easily compare to biorhythms if one wanted to overanalyze this. So I'm leaving it.
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Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #41 on: August 15, 2009, 11:15:21 pm »
I'll get close to Touko, then Mimi-sempai next,
//These lines and afterward (Touko related in CCD3003a) doesn't make sense if you do Kiri route as other than the first. Intentional in the game? - Raide

Probably intentional. First off, since that's a direct quote, one could pass it off as reminiscing. Second, I think Kiri's mini-route is subtly meant to be the first one the player selects (as indicated by things like cg naming and walkthrough organization and the fact that I did hers first when I played the game). So this goes in the same pile as Taichi's chastity belt vanishing on week 2/3 replays.

Taichi: "Not sure if you'd call her a koremon or a ****mon, but she is a convenient monster."
//Since I have no idea what "koremon" actually means (well, I do, but it's not a remotely lexical meaning so there's no English for it) this was the best I could do with the gag. ~IX
//Supposed to be parody of Doraemon, from a popular decades-old family manga/anime series - Raide

It could easily tell it was Doreamon or Pokemon, I just wasn't sure if "koremon" actually was a meaningful Japanese word or not.

Taichi: "That's fine, I'm the not the guy who made it."
vs
Taichi: "That's fine, I'm the the guy who made it."
Changed to
Taichi: "That's fine, I'm not the guy who made it."

I spoke to Kiri of unadaptive persons.
//Not people? - Raide

There's a subtle difference between a plural noun and a collective noun, and I use that to preserve a nuance or two sometimes. That is all.
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Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #42 on: August 17, 2009, 03:01:52 pm »
I spoke to Kiri of unadaptive persons.
//I don't understand this sentence O.o - Sheeta

Then go reread the full version of the convo this is paraphrasing. To save you time, the part that got cut out was Taichi swapping a piece of pizza for part of the lunch of a girl who ignores everything outside a...30 cm radius? Can't remember the exact number.

How many times have separate versions of them been rubbed out of existence?
vs
How many versions of them have been rubbed out of existence?
//Awkward line. I tried my best with a bit of hack-and-slash... - Sheeta

Perfect. That version's kept.

Taichi: "You don't want to? But this is your only choice. I'll let you follow me around whereever."
TP
//Is the "whereever" intentional?

It is. Since there have been places Taichi didn't let her follow in the past, I think the word matters. But I won't stop you from deleting it.
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Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #43 on: August 18, 2009, 07:01:15 pm »
Taichi: "That's right. Our hearts are first formed with pressure from the humans around us. That's why this is......it really is bad."
vs
Taichi: "That's right. Our hearts are first formed due to the pressure from the other humans around us. That's why this is......it really is bad."

This feels like CMR to me, lemme mess with the phrasing a bit.
*edit*
Decided to change "due to the" to "by"
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Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #44 on: August 19, 2009, 10:00:10 pm »
I somersaulted.
// I always lol at this part

I always cringe at it because I still have no idea if I got it right. All I had to work with for this line was: http://dictionary.goo.ne.jp/srch/je/とんぼ/m0u/ (if you didn't know, links with Japanese text never hyperlink properly, so CP it into your url bar manually)

But they could have bribed them at any time, if they ever felt like it.
vs
But they could have bribed them whenever, if they ever felt like it.

The colloquial usage of "whenever" feels out of place in this scene. Reverted.

Miki: "I like sweets."
// Her voice says just "datteee" here.-Shikiller

For the script this was CP'd from, I chose to adapt it as you see there. If you think that sounds weird, feel free to change it to "Buuut..." or something.

Miki: "Not, 'I don't want to,' but, 'Impossible.' There you have it, Sempai."
// It looks like here she doesn't say "There you have it, Sempai." -shikiller.

This is just one of those lines that gets a lot longer in English. Nothing to worry about.

Taichi: "Impossible......her skills as a stalker are just too different to anyone else's."

Changed to "from anyone else's."

Taichi: "Besides, isn't that dependence on me?"
vs
Taichi: "Besides, won't that mean you'll just depend on me?"

Tried another option: Taichi: "Besides, wouldn't that make you dependent on me?"

Taichi: "This will be the last time I see you."
vs
Taichi: "This will be the last time I'll see you."

Sentence already has a future tense, adding the second one just makes it sound weird to me. Reverted.

I saw Kiri near the front door.
//are you sure it's "my front door" here? they're in front of the school.-Shikiller

I failed.

Taichi: "Anemia. That sort of thing can happen sometimes."
//In the scene in ccb you were translating this as "low blood pressure".  Did the JP change here? ~Bal

I can't say for sure, but my gut feeling is that he used a somewhat shorter line here, with fewer particles or something, and using "anemia" instead shortened the English about equally. If you like I could double check this, or just revert it outright since that might be a frivolous reason.

The memories I'd stored up were all of Sakuraba to me.
//Is it just me or does this come across awkwardly? ~Bal

I can think of the alternative: "The memories I'd stored up were all that Sakuraba was to me." If that sounds better to you, go ahead; they sound equally odd to me.

Fundamentally, there are no means for people to touch people other than through attacks.
vs
Fundamentally, there are no means for people to touch others than through attacks.
//I'm sure you could understand why I took that one out.-Spin

Yes, but you broke the sentence in the procress, because "others" can't fulfill both the grammatical roles that "people other" originally did. Reverted.

I think of friendship as nothing more than the skill of holding back.
//Not too sure if this changed the meaning a little more than it should but I was trying to make it flow better.-Spin

Whether it did was debatable, and if it did it was in such a minor way I'm not sure I care, so that's kept.

When she tried to bring out the last of her strength to stand up, I brought her down with a W-twist to the nipples, and Sempai collapsed, exhausted and immobile.
//"W-twist?" I can't imagine that.-Spin

Strangely enough, I can. Take a piece of paper and feed it between your fingers, then move a few of those fingers up and down to get a W shape. That's a rough analogue of what I'm imagining is being performed here.

While making that blunder, she developed slightly.
//"developed?" What developed?-Spin

I do not know, and I do not want to know.

Gradually building heat was lurking in my hips.
vs
Gradually building heat was lurking in my hips.w3

Uh, reverted.

Taichi: "What did you think I was?"
//I'm starting to lose respect for Taichi from all of this.-Spin

Just figured I'd throw out part of why I never started hating Taichi. I'm quite convinced that he is, in at least some way, mentally impaired, and that a number of the awful things he did were beyond his control. Blaming him for his behavior often feels to me no different from blaming an autistic child for not understanding their surroundings. But ofc Taichi might have just driven me nuts by now, so take what you will from that.
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