Author Topic: Edit Commit Comments  (Read 13897 times)

Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #45 on: August 20, 2009, 07:09:09 pm »
Miki: "Aaah, aaah, aaah, Kiri-chin, the ball hurts, the ball!"
//if the ball is volleyball, how does it hurts? - Raide

Quoth Nagato: /shrug

Taichi: "......it's not fluffy...but foofy."
//Yay adaptation of Japanese onomaetopoeia trickery. ~IX
//Poofy could work - Raide

It could. They feel about equally workable though, so I won't bother changing it.

Taichi: "She's already on a plane."
//  not typo for the power 'plant'? - Raide

Not a typo. Also, "on a plant" makes no sense. :P

Miki: "Since there are no corpses, they vanished?"
vs
Miki: "Since there aren't corpses, did everyone just vanished?"

You must have been having a really bad day. Changed to: Miki: "Since there aren't any corpses, did everyone just vanish?"

Taichi: "We might have passed by her. Shall we go back to the school?"
vs
Taichi: "We might have gone passed her. Shall we go back to the school?"

Uh..."gone past." Also changed.

The current Miki probably wouldn't recover if she sunk once.
vs
The current Miki probably wouldn't recover if she even sunk once.

Not sure, but imo it's "sunk even once." Changed.

Miki: "Why is that enough to make you do that!!"
vs
Miki: "Why is that enough to make you do that?!!"

Changed to "!!?" for consistency's sake.

Taichi: "The moment you cross my threshold, you are one with the non-virgins."
vs
Taichi: "The moment you cross my threshold, you are at one with the non-virgins."

NICE. Kept.

Miki: "......don't forget those are my life as you hold them."
//I don't get this sentence :( - Sheeta

Most recent usage of this kind of Japanesey thinking was Touko mentioning her sword was a part of her soul.
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Balcerzak

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #46 on: August 21, 2009, 05:47:03 am »
Taichi: "Anemia. That sort of thing can happen sometimes."
//In the scene in ccb you were translating this as "low blood pressure".  Did the JP change here? ~Bal

I can't say for sure, but my gut feeling is that he used a somewhat shorter line here, with fewer particles or something, and using "anemia" instead shortened the English about equally. If you like I could double check this, or just revert it outright since that might be a frivolous reason.
That was mostly just my curiousity.  Though, if I understand it correctly anemia is low iron content in the blood, which is distinctly different than low blood pressure, but I believe the symptoms are similar.  Colloquially, I'm sure either is perfectly fine, and I don't really have a strong opinion on a course of action.  Mostly was curious.

Quote from: Ix
The memories I'd stored up were all of Sakuraba to me.
//Is it just me or does this come across awkwardly? ~Bal

I can think of the alternative: "The memories I'd stored up were all that Sakuraba was to me." If that sounds better to you, go ahead; they sound equally odd to me.
Your proposed alternative sounds leagues better to me.  I'll incorporate that into my next changeset.

Sheeta

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #47 on: August 21, 2009, 08:13:26 am »
Quote
You must have been having a really bad day. Changed to: Miki: "Since there aren't any corpses, did everyone just vanish?"

I knew I missed one of those D: I blame my excellent exam results *cough*

Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #48 on: August 21, 2009, 02:53:44 pm »
That was mostly just my curiousity.  Though, if I understand it correctly anemia is low iron content in the blood, which is distinctly different than low blood pressure, but I believe the symptoms are similar.  Colloquially, I'm sure either is perfectly fine, and I don't really have a strong opinion on a course of action.  Mostly was curious.

Reminds me of the biology vs physiology issue pondrthis raised in the first week. The funny thing there is that I eventually (as in, three weeks ago) found out I was wrong and the word was literally "physiology", but then also noticed the Japanese for physiology is shorter than the Japanese for biology, so the former word gets used colloquially for both the same way "biology" is in English.
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Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #49 on: August 21, 2009, 11:51:01 pm »
Taichi: "Be at ease. My two hundred million small wonderful lives aren't inside those."
//Does he say it the same way he said it to Misato pre-hscene? If so, they should match each other.
//Who the hell is leaving these comments? It's been bugging me for a while.-Spin

Assembla allegdly lets you scroll back through all the changesets that affected a given file, but since it doesn't work I can't tell you.

Taichi: "Nnn, there is overnight water left in there......if you don't mind pouring it over yourself."
//Last time, he told her about a neighbor's house or something that had the water.-Spin

No, you're thinking of week 2 Touko route where they bathed in another house. The previous mention of overnight water was at the end of week 4 Miki's route and it was at Taichi's house. (why in god's name do I know this?)

Miki: "Hawa, hawa, amazing, flooring."
//flooring? Or do you mean 'amazing flooring'? - Sheeta

Not sure, but may as well change it. *does that*
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Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #50 on: August 22, 2009, 10:06:57 pm »
Miki: "Kiri-chin, a combination attack!"
//Sounded more like a request than a exclamatory statement. ~Bal

It's an exclamatory in Japanese, that's for sure. Nothing's coming to mind that would make it any more clear than the original, so I have to ask you to try and figure something out.

........................
TP
//The intro ends suggestively enough imo that yet again I can just leave this blank. ~IX
//At the end of this script, it references the possibility of Miki being pregnant, so perhaps the line about "made a baby" and "intuition" should be kept in the all ages?  Just a thought. ~Bal

Interesting idea, but since Taichi never uses a condom, I think pregnancy is an easily assumed possibility. Unless it's somehow unclear that they had sex, I see no real need to incorporate the lines (though feel free to try adding them yourself).
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Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #51 on: August 24, 2009, 01:35:39 am »
And, one point different from before.
vs
Or the one point that was different from before.
//Line didn't make sense, so I tried my hand at it - Sheeta

Changed to "And, there's one point that's different from before."

Never being serious is one of my charm points, invoked through cutting my emotions away and reunifying them later. But there are many drawbacks to never being serious.
//Note to self: Look at this again later ~Bal
//Ehe, I did some stuff to it. It should make more sense now - Sheeta

Changed "invoked" to "which I achieve by"

From what I could see by looking straight ahead, the tip of her tongue was leaving a wet line along me.
//Sorry, but 'my rod' made me laugh XD - Sheeta

lol, and ow. Good change though. It does sound pretty stupid in English.

// Isn't 'rod' a common word in ero scenes anyway?

True, but that doesn't mean we have to use it. Any awkward English we can remove without losing any part of the Japanese intent ought to be removed.

Taichi: "What ever shall I do..."
//What ever? Not whatever? Not sure if it's actually wrong, but 'whatever' would be consistent with the other times the word is used. -VDZ

Antiquated grammar, so I went with my gut. No one else messed with it, so I assume it's right.

Either ignore, or knife.
//Huh? -VDZ

In Japanese, "ignore" is a noun. In English, "knife" can be a verb.

I showed him the toilet.
//Are you sure it's the toilet, and not the bathroom or something? Taichi says it's 8 tatami's, which is 12-16 square meters. To compare, the room I'm currently living in is 15 square meters. I'm not really comfortable with a toilet from "a commoner's house" being as big as my entire room. -VDZ

I am unsure whether to do anything here. I have a hunch I did that originally because "toilet" sounds funnier in a punch line than "bathroom" imo.

In Hasekura's place entered a newly rich upstart and his relatives by blood and marriage.
//Isn't a newly rich person always an upstart? -VDZ

Not necessarily, and not all upstarts are newly rich.

Taichi: "......well, I mean......fapping."
//AFAIK, Kiri does not have a penis and can therefore not fap, because 'to fap' refers exclusively to male masturbation. Prove me wrong. *autoban* -VDZ

I vaguely recall having this debate in #Ammy once and concluding the term was unisex. I might be wrong. If anyone knows the female equivalent, feel free to go change it.

I was taken aside.
//Taken aside or put aside? -VDZ

Miki-pon is taking him aside to talk. Putting aside would mean someone's throwing him away to talk to someone else.

The wide roof had a folding tent and various equipment.
//'Various equipment' sound kinda weird to me. Is this correct? Of course, it may just be me, not being a native English speaker and all... -VDZ

There are a number of Japanese words which can be imitated in English with the word "various" that result in odd sounding sentences. So yes, this is a little odd, but it's an unavoidable consequence of translating from Japanese to English, so not a problem.

As the function of my eyes becomes normal, they should become unable to observe.
vs
As the function of my eyes become normal, they should become unable to observe.

"function becomes" not "eyes become" (the eyes are in a prepositional phrase describing "function"). Reverted by technicality.
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Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #52 on: August 24, 2009, 08:36:59 pm »
Yu.
//It will make either more or less sense a few hundred lines from now. ~IX//To make it clear that it's a kanji, why not use ���� (weaboo typing, set to UTF-8 encoding to view it in notepad) or something? - Raide

Partly because it's not a kanji, it's just a hiragana.  And he's making up particles, so it's only mildly more comprehensible in Japanese.

I'm a person.
//"I'm a human" sounds more powerful - Raide

To me, there's not much difference, and I feel "person" is slightly more accurate anyway (entirely aside from it being the literal).

//Actually, since Taichi has been using the word 'person' as a means to identify ordinary, non-Gunjou people, I think 'I'm a person' is loaded with far more power. I say we keep it as it is. Alternatively 'I'm a normal person' - Sheeta

Oh cool, someone agreed.

Taichi: "Is anyone alive out there?"
//I think this whole monologue is aimed for the vn readers directly. I wonder if you should put a bit more hints either before or in between this scene, or to leave it for readers to interpret by themselves - Raide

Not every line, that's for sure, but a lot of it almost certainly is. However, I have no idea what it is you want me to add, but I do indeed want readers to figure it out for themselves. After all, we aren't remotely qualified to decide exactly what Romeo's intent was in scenes like this, so I want to leave all interpretations open.

Here I give a camera to special correspondent Youko!
vs
Here I give a camera to special correspondent Youko-chan!

Reverted, there's no chan, I checked.

Miki: "I look forward a little to seeing Sempai as a DJ."
vs
Miki: "I'm look forward a little to seeing Sempai as a DJ."

Uh....reverted.

If I don't, I feel like I'll forget words.
vs
If I don't, I feel like I'll forget my language.

Another truly bizarre case of editing turning a line more literal. The Japanese word "kotoba" can mean "words" or "a phrase" or "a language".

Again today, I'll labor from sunup to sundown.
vs
Again today, I'll labor from sunrise to sunset.

The previous one sounds more natural to me. My English is a bit antiquated that way. Reverted for no good reason.

Aren't 'one part' and 'volume two' different kinds of counting words?
vs
Aren't 'one part' and 'volume two' different kinds of words used for counting?

I see no need to increase the awkwardness by throwing extra particles in there. Reverted.

hey, hey!
Hey, Hey!
vs
Hey, hey!
Hey, hey!

The original capitalization was intentional. If you look at the Japanese, you can easily see the first one written in tiny letters and the second in normal-sized ones. Reverted.

In the forest, the existence called me, was all alone.
//Line makes no sense :/ Maybe it's mean to lol - Sheeta

Makes perfect sense to me...?

Oh, and I added a takoyaki tl note. Went with noob level, not sure if everyone would agree with that.
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Nagato

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #53 on: August 25, 2009, 12:27:57 pm »
>Oh, and I added a takoyaki tl note. Went with noob level, not sure if everyone would agree with that.
I assume you meant == 1 and not != 1 in the script since I just got this with the recommended setting. Which is basically showing it to everyone BUT noob level players.

Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #54 on: August 25, 2009, 03:22:44 pm »
Though all three were fully prepared to take pictures, she hardly ever looked at, much less used the one machine dedicating to web surfing.
vs
Though all three were fully prepared to take pictures, she hardly ever looked at, much less used the one machine, and dedicated only to web surfing.
// This line was hard to understand.. -Shiki

Reverted, since I can't make any sense out of the new version.

Miki: "Th-thanks for the sandwiches, Sempai!"
//This translation is far to generous. It wasn't overlooked in game -Neko

??????

Miki: "Not, 'I don't want to,' but, 'Impossible.' There you have it, Sempai."
// It looks like here she doesn't say "There you have it, Sempai." -shikiller.

Again, ??????

『Hey, I have a question for you......why won't you go die already?』
//What? Why will not you go die already? -Neko

I only see a failure of clarity when the cojunction is broken up.

Taichi: "You say I'm precious. You say that you love me. You push your good will onto me."
//Goodwill is a word, but it's most commonly spaced. It's also read as if there's a space (A pronnuciative pause). The way it is now looks like a spelling error to the average eye, and there's no harm, nor change of meaning in spacing it. -Neko

Kiri: "Okay......I'll do my best. I'm good at ignoring."
//The way it's said her, ignoring is vague. Adding people would be more Kiri like, and concise.

Disagree. And adding "people" would be inaccurate imo.

Every so often one of them would awaken. (lol)
//PCP Added a "(lol)" this time.
//Is LOL really supposed to be here?! It totally broke the tension -Neko

たまに覚醒してしまう者もいたが(笑)
is the Japanese. There's a lol there.

If I do the math on the greatest possibilities......today is the most appropriate for attack.
//Greatest possibilities doesn't sit well with me. It was read really awkwardly. I don't know how to fix it, but I'd like to draw attention to it in case someone agrees -Neko

Personally I don't agree. But meh, may as well copy it here to increase odds of someone seeing it.

Youko: "Here's your food......"
//She says rice in here. Why not "Here's some rice"? -Neko

Since I can't find the mention of rice, I'll leave it.

That evening, I was distressed until the middle of the night.
//I'm playing the original. This line was repeated twice as I played. Was this intentional? -Neko

/shrug

The parabola her back drew began to shake slightly.
//Parabola is a plane, shouldn't it be "curve"? - Raide

Parabolas are curves, not planes.
In the words of TV tropes, You Fail Geometry Forever.

She wants to touch him right.
//as in "right away" or "right now"? - Raide

As in "properly" or "the right way." Evidently this needs a change, but it's not coming to me.

On the other hand, after becoming close to him, she was boundlessly dependent.
vs
But then on the other hand, after becoming close to him, she became boundlessly dependent.

The "but then" just make the lead-in needlessly long and awkward imo. Revered.
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Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #55 on: August 25, 2009, 04:29:34 pm »
hey, hey!
//I can only assume there's reason behind the nonstandard capitalization. ~Bal

Read the edit commits.

The murderer skills inside me were perfected in a week.
//murderer skills feels wrong. Murderous, perhaps? ~Bal

Too close to overlapping with "murderous intent" imo. I'll just leave it literal.

She thought of many things but without any conclusion she wanted to progress more than stand still but she didn't know how to explain that so others could understand this morass.
//While the last one was an acceptable stream of consciousness run on from Kiri's perspective, this one should have punctuating breaks, IMO, as it's squarely back to third person. ~Bal

I originally tried to do that, but the farther I got into this line the more I was convinced that the narrator is also doing stream of consciousness.
« Last Edit: August 25, 2009, 06:32:02 pm by Ixrec »
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Balcerzak

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #56 on: August 25, 2009, 05:40:28 pm »
While I always check commit thread for replies to my commits, my standard policy on other commits is to work first, then skim through the thread second.  I didn't do that this time because you all were waiting on me.  :shrug:

Ixrec

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Re: Edit Commit Comments
« Reply #57 on: August 25, 2009, 06:32:16 pm »
While I always check commit thread for replies to my commits, my standard policy on other commits is to work first, then skim through the thread second.  I didn't do that this time because you all were waiting on me.  :shrug:

Ah. No problem then.
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